Nihar Patel has contributed to Vice, Bloomberg, and the TV series “The Rotten Tomatoes Show.” Late last year, he wrote a satirical piece on the many people who’ve asked him about “Master of None,” which he read on the show. Now he updates us on what happened after the piece was published on Mcsweeney’s Internet Tendency.
“Nihar!!! Read your piece about people asking if you’ve seen the Aziz Ansari show ‘Master of None.’ I am so sorry I asked you about it because you’re Indian, thereby leading you to write that. I assume you were referencing our convo? If I wasn’t so blind to my own secret prejudices, I would’ve gotten that was a legit micro-aggression. I guess I learned something about myself! And I guess, well, since I’d asked if you’d read Ta-Nehisi Coates’ ‘Between the World And Me,’ despite neither of us being black, I figured we could just, dunno, discuss interesting things in the zeitgeist as colleagues do. Guess not! Guess… not. Anyway, funny stuff. I mean, it wasn’t Simon Rich funny — he’s next level. But I got a chuckle. Anyway, I’m going down to the cafeteria.”
“Hey, why don’t we grab lunch together. Would be great to catch–”
“NAH MAN, I’M GOOD. I AM GOOD.”
“Finally read your piece about you being asked about ‘Master of None.’ ‘Great! Just great! Classic Nihar,’ I thought while reading that. Managed to strike a chord with me as a Chinese-American guy, for sure. I kinda feel silly now because I asked you about the show, and yet, I’m Asian, so I guess in your book that’s weird too? Is it now? You gotta tell me if it is because it wasn’t for like the 20 years we’ve been buds! I always thought we were kind of like Harold and Kumar. Woah, was I misreading things. Maybe I need a new Kumar. Anyway, it’s all good.
“No I’m still your Kumar! I’m still your Kumar!!!”
“Stop. It’s – too – late.”
“So I read the piece about people asking you about ‘Master of None.’ Nice work. I haven’t actually read the whole piece. I got it from the first graph and didn’t really see where it could go from there. Anyway, real proud of you, little bro. Dad? He’s sorta quiet these days. No, not because you referenced him in the piece, just… you know, he likes to think his son is spending his time writing the next ‘Star Wars,’ not a humor piece that what, a couple of thousand people read? He thinks you should master one thing before moving on to something else. Between us, he’s worried about you. It’s raising his blood pressure. But keep writing and don’t worry about anybody else but yourself. It’s cool if you’re not the next J.J. Abrams, who is crushing it these days BTW.”
“Wait, why didn’t dad tell me about the blood pressure?”
“Cause he doesn’t trust you anymore. So sad.”
“Hey you! Of course I remember, Naren, the Indian guy I met here a month ago. Awkward end to the night, fo’ sho’. I was just closing out my tab, sooooo nice seeing you. Did I read your ‘Master of None’ piece? OK, now you want to talk about the show? Funny not funny ’cause when I wanted to talk about it you left my bedroom grumbling, ‘I’m gonna write about this on my Tumblr’ like a paranoid schizo. Oh I get it, you’re just using the show as an opening to hit on me cause you’re like a six and I’m a solid eight. News flash! You are no Kunal Nayyar from ‘The Big Bang Theory.’ Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going home, putting on my PJs, and watching Netflix.”
“Can I tag along? You see, in haste I cancelled my account and I hear ‘Making A Murderer’ is–”
“GET YOUR OWN ACCOUNT, LOSER!“