Soundtrack

The Worst First Wedding Songs of All-Time

Dan Finnerty, the frontman of the foul-mouthed Dan Band, gives us a playlist you MUST keep out of your wedding DJ's clutches.

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You may recognize Dan Finnerty and Dan Band’s foul-mouthed renditions of pop songs from “The Hangover” and “Old School,” where he tarted up “Total Eclipse of the Heart” with a slew of F-bombs. Not surprisingly his latest record, “The Wedding Album,” offers up salty songs for a wedding reception. So, just in time for wedding season, here’s Dan with a completely inappropriate wedding party playlist.

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Dan Finnerty: I grew up with a lot of songs in the ’70s that I just never listened to the lyrics. And now, as an adult, I listen to them and I’m horrified at how many people were probably slow dancing to these songs not knowing how wrong they were. So I was just thinking, like, what were some of the worst songs you could choose or a couple choose as their first dance song at their wedding.

Meatloaf – “Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad”

This first song is a song by Meatloaf — I mean come on, speaking of dinner — written by the great Jim Steinman who I’m a huge fan of because he wrote “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” which you know, is a classic for me. And so this song is called “Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad”

I saw an interview with Jim Steinman and he was saying the label wanted a ballad, and he just didn’t want to do what they said and write some tender ballad, so he masked it. He was like, “What would Elvis do?” And he was trying to be like “I want you.”

I just never caught the part where he’s like, “There ain’t no way I’m ever gonnna love you.” I think people just glaze over, and slow dance, and make out, and don’t realize he’s saying there’s no way he’s ever going to love her.

Charlene – “Never Been to Me”

So this second song that I think would be tragic to play as a first dance at a wedding is a song by Charlene, and it’s called “Never Been to Me”

You know, again, it’s very melodic, but it’s basically this lady calling out to all the women in the world saying like, “Stop you women’s lib! Stop this movement!”

I think it’s an anti-feminist song. You know, “I went out and saw the world and it was awful for me.” And she pretty much breaks it down to a monologue in the middle of the song. She’s like, “Hey, you know what paradise is? It’s a lie!”

The message that women should just stay at home and cook and clean for their husbands [laughs], that’s like perfect first dance song.

Helen Reddy – “Angie Baby”

This third song is a classic story song from the ’70s. I can’t imagine a couple playing it at their wedding for the first dance, but I would do anything to be at that wedding. It’s a song that I used to hear on the radio while I was like trapped in my parent’s car, bouncing around in the back seat with no seat belts onĀ and my dad chain smoking with the windows up.

You know, everything about the ’70s looking back doesn’t make sense, but this song, “Angie Baby” by Helen Reddy, is basically about a really shy girl who doesn’t like to go out, she’s like antisocial or something. So she’s always sitting in her room listening to the radio and her parents are like “Come on, Angie! You got to get out and make friends.”

And then, when the neighbor boy tries to sneak in through the window, she suddenly has magical powers, and she shrinks this boy down into the radio. My favorite line is like, “And as she turns the volume down / He’s getting smaller with the sound / It seems to pull him off the ground / Toward the radio he’s bound / Never to be found.”

I mean, again, I can’t imagine a couple picking this as their first dance. But it would be so awesome if they realized while they were dancing, you know, what the song is about. Even better if the groom just slowly started shrinking and disappeared [laughs].

Dan Band – “I Can’t Believe I Love You”

So we’re going to close it out with this song that I wrote with Pan Monahan from Train. Yeah, we set out to write what would be the worst first dance song ever.

It’s from the point of view of a guy who is slow dancing with this guy and confessing his love for her and then, out of nowhere, he’s basically saying statistically everyone’s marriage is doomed.