Etiquette

Jenny Slate, Jason Schwartzman, Lena Waithe, and Father John Misty Give Lessons in Etiquette

From the perfect place to break up to why it's so annoying to be an adult, our guests covered it all with wisdom... and a little absurdity.

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After Jenny, as Marcel the Shell, and Jason performed a scene from “Goodfellas” (yes, really) we decided that scene presents just a perfect example of how not to behave and was, therefore, the perfect segue into answering our audience’s etiquette questions.

Each week, we bring in guests to tell our listeners how to behave and we got a lot of help for our live show. Jenny Slate, Jason Schwartzman, Lena Waithe, and Father John Misty all squeezed together onto our interview couch-of-honor to answer etiquette questions from our audience. The questions began with one from a gentleman named Drew.

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Dine and dashing out of a relationship

Drew: So my question is for everybody on here: what kind of restaurant is the most civil place to break up with somebody at, and at what point in the meal?

Rico Gagliano: “And at what point in the meal?” was the second one.

Brendan Francis Newnam: It’s a two-part question.

Rico Gagliano: Father John?

Father John Misty: I was going to say Olive Garden. It depends. Are you talking about like, an 8-breadstick or a 16-breadstick breakup?

Brendan Francis Newnam: But if you take them to Olive Garden, they might break up with you first, you know what I mean?

Rico Gagliano: Yeah.

Jenny Slate: To be totally honest, because matters of the heart are important to me, you should break up on a hike. Don’t go to a restaurant. That’s crazy! Or even a bar. That’s insane. You should not misdirect. You should just break up, you know, walking around in nature. And then, if someone’s upset, they can storm off or go into the woods.

Brendan Francis Newnam: All right, so that’s the first part of your question. So, say they didn’t take your advice, didn’t go on the hike. At what point in a meal do you break up with someone?

Lena Waithe: Don’t do it during the appetizer.

Jenny Slate: Why?

Rico Gagliano: Why? Because then you’re over with it.

Lena Waithe: Because then you just like…when the meal comes, you like, “I don’t want to eat this shit! I’m single now.”

Father John Misty: But maybe each course of the meal should correspond with a different phase of the breakup reasoning, you know? Where it’s like, you know, the appetizer is fairly brutal, but by dessert, it’s like, “Now you can do angel dust anytime you want.”

Brendan Francis Newnam: That’s interesting. Lena, you said you didn’t drink, but angel dust, maybe.

Father John Misty: Do you want to date me right now?

Lena Waithe: Do you want a Lena experience?

Brendan Francis Newnam: You didn’t listen to her story, did you?

Father John Misty: Not this year. As I heard it, that whole story was about paradigm busting [Lena laughs].

Brendan Francis Newnam: There we go. Drew, there’s plenty of answers there for you. Go for it.

Lena Waithe: Welcome.

What’s the best gift to bring your dinner party host?

Brendan Francis Newnam: So, this is Amanda.

Amanda: Hi.

Brendan Francis Newnam: Let her rip.

Amanda: If you were hosting a dinner party, what do you think would be the best gift to bring the host?

Rico Gagliano: OK. Let’s start with you, Lena. Best gift for a dinner party host.

Lena Waithe: I’m a big fan of a place called Hot & Juicy Crawfish. So if you brought me a bag of shrimp, and crab legs, and like, a lobster tail, and garlic sauce with spices, and butter — just a big bag of it — and brought that to my house, I would just lay out the newspaper on the table, and we’d just have the best party on the planet. You know, pop some Big Sean, some J. Cole going, just cracking shrimps and whatnot. That would be ideal for me.

Rico Gagliano: All right, so we’ve got bag of seafood with all the condiments.

Brendan Francis Newnam: That’s right.

Father John Misty: I didn’t realize that gifts were a component of the whole dinner party.

Rico Gagliano: Yeah. Oh, yeah. You brought us something, right?

Father John Misty: Yeah, I don’t know, cash.

Brendan Francis Newnam: OK. There you go.

Father John Misty: With like, a dollar sign on it.

Brendan Francis Newnam: Cartoon style.

Father John Misty: So we know exactly what’s going on.

Rico Gagliano: Gigantic, “Popeye”-style bag of cash.

Father John Misty: Yeah.

Brendan Francis Newnam: All right.

Father John Misty: That’s me.

Rico Gagliano: Bags are featuring prominently in these answers somehow.

Lena Waithe: Yeah. Bag of shrimp, bag of cash.

Father John Misty: This party’s amazing!

Lena Waithe: It’s awesome.

Jenny Slate: You know, one time somebody brought my parents a dozen eggs, a loaf of bread, and a joint, and I just felt like it was really thoughtful because it’s like, “You can party tonight or relax with a joint, but basically, tomorrow, it’s eggs and toast.”

Brendan Francis Newnam: That’s pretty good.

Jason Schwartzman: Incredible. Every answer was…

Brendan Francis Newnam: I know. It was pretty good.

Rico Gagliano: You’ve got to follow it up.

Jason Schwartzman: Schnikeys.

Lena Waithe: Finish strong.

Jason Schwartzman: Well, the truly honest answer would be like, if someone came to my house with some weird bootleg of something. Like, this is a video of– or actually, a movie, “What’s Eating My Mouse?” That’s uh… right? A film called… I think it’s called “What’s Eating My Mouse.”

Rico Gagliano: “What’s Eating My Mouse?”

Jenny Slate: “What’s Eating My Mouse?”

Jason Schwartzman: And that’s very hard to find. I think it’s very hard to find that movie. So, if someone came over with a copy of “What’s Eating My Mouse,” then I would want that, I guess? A bootleg.

Lena Waithe: Good answer, good answer, good answer.

Rico Gagliano: So, we’ve got What’s Eating My Mouse. We’ve got eggs, toast, and weed…

Jenny Slate: Yeah!

Rico Gagliano: Cartoon-ish bag of cash, and a big bag of seafood.

Brendan Francis Newnam: There you go, Amanda.

Amanda: Thank you.

Brendan Francis Newnam: You’re welcome.

Jenny Slate: You’re welcome.

Jason Schwartzman: Thank you!

Lena Waithe: You’re welcome. Come to my house!

Brendan Francis Newnam: All right, we’ve got a couple more here.

Being an adult is so hard

Rico Gagliano: Luisa? We should note that this message was written to us all in capital letters, this question.

Luisa: Oh, yeah. I was going to mention that. Imagine it’s in all caps, drunk, at night. Why is it rude to ask your friends how much money they make? I just want to know. I’m curious. I make nothing. Ugh, why is it so annoying to be an adult?

Brendan Francis Newnam: Did you guys catch that?

Father John Misty: That’s a two-parter!

Brendan Francis Newnam: Why is it rude to ask your friends how much money they make?

[Silence.]

Rico Gagliano: Anybody know? [More silence.] In that case, how much money do you guys make? [Everyone laughs.]

Father John Misty: And let’s welcome Noam Chomsky to the stage!

Brendan Francis Newnam: All right. You know what? That’s…

Father John Misty: To break down why finances are taboo…

Brendan Francis Newnam: That’s right. I think that’s the real reason.

Father John Misty: …In the hegemony.

Brendan Francis Newnam: Yes.

Jenny Slate: It’s all about how you ask it, and when you ask it, and who’s around when you ask it. I mean, if you want an honest answer. And it’s annoying to be an adult because so many people think they know how to do it, but they don’t.

Father John Misty: Yeah, and it’s annoying to be an adult because all of a sudden, you have this criteria foisted on you out of nowhere. Like, last thing you knew, you were just like, eating Chipotle before you tried to catch the bus, and then the next thing you know, you’re supposed to have been making money all this time.

Brendan Francis Newnam: We feel your pain.

Rico Gagliano: Yes.

Luisa: Thank you.

Lena Waithe: Thank you.

Luisa: I appreciate that.

What do you do with a napkin surplus?

Brendan Francis Newnam: All right. This is Alyssa.

Alyssa: So, you go out to eat at a fast food restaurant. You grab a stack of napkins, but when you finish the meal, you have napkins left over. Do you leave them on the table for the next person to use, or do you throw them away?

Jason Schwartzman: Wow.

Father John Misty: I get off on just throwing stuff away. I make so much money, I can afford to throw…

Jenny Slate: Yeah, how much do you make?

Jason Schwartzman: How much do you make? Yeah.

Jenny Slate: How much money do you make?

Father John Misty: Well, it’s interesting that you ask.

Rico Gagliano: He makes throwing-away-napkins money.

Brendan Francis Newnam: That’s right.

Jason Schwartzman: He just walks into places, takes a napkin out, and throws it away. Doesn’t even get the food. [Father John Misty laughs.]

Brendan Francis Newnam: He doesn’t care.

Father John Misty: Yeah, I just go in there and… [starts laughing.]

Brendan Francis Newnam: But I think this becomes a problem when you eat the meal, and you’ve sullied some of the napkins, but there’s some that you brought with you, but they’re still good napkins. Do you place them back on top of the napkin stand? Do you chuck them?

Lena Waithe: You take those jokers with you! Take them home.

Jenny Slate: You put them in your purse, yeah.

Jason Schwartzman: I would take them. Yeah, take them!

Lena Waithe: Take them home!

Brendan Francis Newnam: All right.

Lena Waithe: Someone’s like, “Is this a McDonald’s napkin? Classy!”

Father John Misty: Yeah, when you come to a Josh Tillman dinner party, it’s like, “Are these Wendy’s napkins?”