The Dinner Party Oscar Ballot 2012

As I write this, we’re about ten minutes away from the red carpet portion of tonight’s Oscar broadcast, which means there’s still time to join the betting pool at your Oscar-viewing party of choice. Below are our picks for a few of the categories, based on the only criteria that matters: whether the nominee appeared on our show.*

Best Sound Mixing
This is the only category we’d consider awarding to Transformers: Dark Side Of The Moon, because if there’s one thing director Michael Bay does well — and there is just about only one thing — it’s using a trillion dollars of gadgetry to make an unholy racket in a movie theater. About the only thing louder than this movie is Motorhead.

But we gotta go with War Horse for this one. Partly because Richard Hymns and Gary Rydstrom did such an amazing job of placing the natural sound of horses amidst the unnatural chaos of war… but mainly because Rydstrom was on our “Guest List” segment a couple of weeks back.

Sound Editing
Rydstrom (with Andy Nelson, Tom Johnson and Stewart Wilson). Duh.

Best Actor
This is said to be a tossup between Jean Dujardin for The Artist and The Departed’s George Clooney. Nonsense; neither of them appeared on our show. But Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy’s Gary Oldman did, and he imitated his favorite BBC reporter for us. Obvious choice.

Best Actress
Similarly, two-time nominee Michelle Williams is not considered a “Best Actress” frontrunner for portraying Marilyn Monroe in A Weekend With Marilyn. Yet there is talk of her pulling off a potential upset win. Add to this the fact that she is the only nominee in this category to appear on our show, and her victory seems assured.

Best Documentary
This is a tough category: Do you go with Pina, directed by Wim Wenders — who had such insightful and heartfelt things to say about the film when he joined us as Guest Of Honor back in January? Or do you side with Undefeated — the tearjerking story of an underdog high school football team in gritty North Memphis — made by recent “Chattering Class” guests T.J. Martin and Daniel Lindsay? We predict the latter will emerge victorious, a.) Because Oscar voters appreciate a doc with a social message, and b.) Because Martin & Lindsay were such friendly young lads.

Best Director
The Artist writer/director Michel Hazanavicius is the front-runner — despite going up against the master, Martin Scorcese — and we predict Michel will indeed take the statue, mainly because we can’t imagine the Academy being anything but charmed by his Guest Of Honor interview on our show last week.

Best Picture
But fret not, Mr. Scorcese! We feel quite certain you’ll beat the odds and take home the Best Picture trophy for Hugo, as you were wise enough to base the film upon a wonderful illustrated book authored by Brian Selznick… who provided our Guest List this week.

Note: Neither The Dinner Party nor its parent company American Pulic Media condone gambling, nor do we guarantee any of our picks will actually win an Oscar, because the world — and particularly Hollywood — can be a cruel and unfair place