Cristela Alonzo Gives Us Some ‘Lower Classy’ Advice

The comedian tries to solve our listeners’ etiquette dilemmas on dealing with persnickety aunts and explains why there is no expiration date on getting even.

After chatting with us about her upcoming Netflix comedy special and explaining the story of why the sight of Girl Scouts struck fear into her mother’s heart, the comedian stuck around to answer our few of our listeners’ etiquette questions… and offers us a new business opportunity.


The proper way to dine on pan dulce

Brendan Francis Newnam: Alright. So this first question comes from Alisha in Bell Gardens, California. And she writes: “Cristela, is it proper to dunk my pan dulce in my cafe when I’m invited to my rich Tia’s house?” Pan dulce. Can you dunk it?

Cristela Alonzo: Yeah you do. Actually, let me teach you a little bit. Pan dulce is usually not that sweet. And sometimes after a day it gets a little hard. And you can actually dip in it hot coffee and it’s Jesus. It is like hard core heaven!

Brendan Francis Newnam: But it’s not considered déclassé to dunk it? I think is part of the subtext of the question there.

Cristela Alonzo: No. No, no, no. Actually, it is like, that’s when you know you’re legit. If you dunk it in the coffee, that’s when I know that you’re like the real thing. So, is it proper to dunk the pan dulce in coffee at your fancy Tia’s house? Hell yeah! Because that’s the way you gotta do it.

Rico Gagliano: It’s improper not to.

Cristela Alonzo: Exactly! It’s like, “Be yourself, girl. Come on, now.” It’s like, when I go to Denny’s and I order eggs, I always have to order tortillas and I don’t eat my eggs with forks, I scoop ’em up with the tortilla like, you know, how I grew up and people will be like, “You don’t use silverware?” I’m like, “You know what? Screw silverware!”

Brendan Francis Newnam: Even at the Michelin-starred restaurant, Denny’s? Like, you don’t even use a fork.

Rico Gagliano: So there you go Alisha, I think that answers your question. Dunk away.

Brendan Francis Newnam: Wow.

Time limit on Twitter taunts

Rico Gagliano: Here is something from Mark in Haddonfield, New Jersey. And Mark writes: “What is proper etiquette if someone insults you on social media in the middle of the night and you’re not awake to read it? Is there an acceptable amount of time to send a response?”

Cristela Alonzo: Well, you know, it’s kinda like that episode of Seinfeld where George tries to think of like the perfect insult. You know, “I went to the jerk store and they ran out of you!” Like, you know, and he waits for the right moment to say it and then it doesn’t happen.

I’m like, if you’re mad you can say something back to people whenever. There is, you know, there is no expiration date to get even. That’s what I say. Like, you know how people say forgive and forget? My family forgot to forgive. Like, we don’t do it.

…Like, “Whatever, if you say something, I don’t care. Hey, you know what, that’s your fault for assuming I’m not sleeping.” Like, “I got rested, I thought about it, I went to the committee, we came up with this insult. There you go.”

Rico Gagliano: Two years later you’re still insulting the person back.

Cristela Alonzo: But I’m still working on getting my high school bully back.

Brendan Francis Newnam: Yeah, aren’t we all? I mean, isn’t that why we’re all here? Right now, talking on the radio. Let’s be honest.

Rico Gagliano: Lance Rollo. I’m gonna come up with a comeback for you one of these days, man.

Brendan Francis Newnam: Yes. Rico will let you know. Just blurt it out, Rico, we’ll roll with it.

Misanthrope love connection

Brendan Francis Newnam: There you go Mark. So, it’s our last question. It comes from Milagro in Clinton, Illinois. And the question is: “How can I get a significant other while simultaneously not having any human interaction with anyone ever?” [Cristla laughs]

Rico Gagliano: Scientific question.

Brendan Francis Newnam: Yeah. Maybe this is a physics question. Can you help?

Cristela Alonzo: Oh my god, Milagro, did I write this question? I know, ’cause I have the same problem.

Brendan Francis Newnam: Aww, no.

Cristela Alonzo: No, like, I, I’m a hermit. I stay at home. I’m not dating anybody. It’s like, how do I do it, Milagro? Because honestly, I don’t wanna do online dating. I already have low self-esteem, I don’t wanna get rejected by someone across the country. Like, you know what I mean?

Rico Gagliano: I’ve got an idea. Come on our show, and we just hook them up.

Brendan Francis Newnam: Exactly. You don’t need the online date, but we have Milagro’s email address. We could make this happen.

Cristela Alonzo: You guys should actually do like a dinner party speed dating version.

Brendan Francis Newnam: “Dinner Party Dating.”

Rico Gagliano: Yep. I think we just became a multi-million-dollar concern. [Cristela laughs]

Brendan Francis Newnam: Cristela, thank you so much.

Cristela Alonzo: Thank you guys.