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The Dinner Party Emmy Ballot

As of this writing we are T-minus four hours from the 2012 Emmy Awards. The telecast doesn’t quite inspire the viewing parties and wagering which surround the Oscars, but for those of you who’ll start an office betting pool on anything*, we offer our picks for tonight’s winners in a few categories, based as always on the only criteria that matters: Which of the nominees have appeared on our show.

BEST COMEDY SERIES

We’d certainly be happy to see the Emmy go to 30 Rock, this being the final season of one of the most brilliant comedies ever and stuff. But the groundbreaking Girls — one of the very few new shows to rack up some Emmy noms this year — has of course been the obvious shoo-in ever since co-star Zosia Mamet’s charming appearance on our show.

BEST COMEDY ACTOR

You’d think we’d pick Alec Baldwin here, what with him being a fellow public radio homeboy and also super great on 30 Rock. But Alec’s never been on our show, unlike House of Lies’ wondrous Don Cheadle, who will therefore win.

BEST SUPPORTING DRAMA ACTRESS

The Academy will surely reward Breaking Bad’s Anna Gunn for her searing performance as a woman pulled by her husband into and out of (and then back into) a life of crime… but more importantly for her appearance on our “Guest List” segment.

BEST VARIETY SERIES

A tossup. On one hand you have the genius Colbert Report, featuring the multiple Emmy-winning writing talents of Opus Moreschi, who graced our show with his list of the funniest things in all of 2011. But that was back in December, whereas Simon Rich, writer for the also-nominated Saturday Night Live, appeared on our show just this week. Sorry Opus, we’ve got short memories — advantage SNL.

BEST DRAMA ACTOR

Another tough one. Jon Hamm for Mad Men — the best television drama in history — who earlier this year came on our show to tell us about cosmic dark matter? Or three-time Best Actor winner Bryan Cranston of Breaking Bad — the other best television drama in history — who came on our show to talk about environmentally sound residential architecture? But of course the winner will be both of them, in an unprecedented tie. We also predict they will perform a tandem acceptance speech and then share a Madonna/Britney-style kiss.

BEST GUEST ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES

Hamm for 30 Rock, natch, but no one will notice ‘cause they’ll still be reeling from the kiss.

BEST SPECIAL-CLASS SHORT-FORMAT LIVE-ACTION ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM

Adult Swim’s Children’s Hospital. This one’s sort of a gimme, since the Academy has already given out the award. But we coulda told you CH would win long ago. Not merely because creator/star Rob Corddry appeared on our show to answer listeners’ etiquette questions, but because you just don’t deny an award to a guy who wears clown makeup for a living, unless you’re really into being stalked by a clown for the rest of your life.

(*aka gambling addicts)

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