Did you know Dick is also a champion anagrammer? He provided us with a few examples that were too salty to broadcast. Check out our podcast though, where we’ll eventually post them, to satisfy our audience’s prurient interest. And speaking of anagrams, the words “Dick Cavett” work out to “C-K-TT Advice!” Which is as good a segue as any into the weekly advice-column-in-audio-form we call our “etiquette” segment.
At our live show, we asked “The Daily Show” correspondent Jessica Williams to join Dick in answering etiquette questions from our audience. First up was a guy named Barry.
To ghost or not to ghost: when the uninvited wedding guest won’t take a hint
Barry: What do you do if a friend asks you about the dates for your wedding because he’s looking to make travel arrangements — however, he’s not on the guest list?
Dick Cavett: Oh. I know you want to grab that one.
Jessica Williams: No, I don’t! I don’t because, like, what am I going to say?
Dick Cavett: His name’s not on the guest list.. OK. Here’s what I’d do. I would say, “There’s been a mistake. The name that you saw as getting married is, by an incredible coincidence, first and last name, someone else.”
Rico Gagliano: “I’m not, in fact, getting married.”
Dick Cavett: “And the same bride name, someone else.” Think of the odds of that, and if he doesn’t get it by that time, he’s not a Rhodes Scholar.
Jessica Williams: I say you’ve just got to ghost him. You’ve got to ghost this dude because he’s not somebody that can take a hint. “Ghost” means just, like, vanish on this dude. Do not haunt him. That’s another version of “ghosting.”
Brendan Francis Newnam: No, you don’t make love to him around a pottery wheel.
Jessica Williams: Yeah, don’t do that!
Brendan Francis Newnam: That’s… don’t want to do that.
Rico Gagliano: Often misunderstood.
Jessica Williams: Don’t try.
Brendan Francis Newnam: That’s just going to make him like you more.
Rico Gagliano: That’s a bad, bad move.
Brendan Francis Newnam: All right. So, Barry, but I have a question. Sorry, not to put you on the spot, but what do you do when a friend asks you — so, this friend just didn’t make it into that inner circle?
Barry: He knew we were getting married, and he had actually been at our engagement party, but a lot of people who were not invited to the wedding were at the engagement party. It was a casual thing.
Rico Gagliano: You just ignore that text.
Jessica Williams: But it’s also like, why would you invite him to your engagement party, and then not have people go to the wedding?
Rico Gagliano: Because it’s expensive!
Brendan Francis Newnam: All right, don’t gang up on Barry. Hey!
Jessica Williams: First of all, I was ready to roast this dude. I was ready to roast this dude, but you, like, teased him.
Brendan Francis Newnam: This is not Springer.
Jessica Williams: And I know he’s a jabroni, but you’ve got to invite him. You know what you did. You’ve got to clean this up. You’ve got to clean it up.
Rico Gagliano: All right.
Brendan Francis Newnam: All right.
Jessica Williams: And I’m going to say, you started on a weird foot, in defense of that dude.
Brendan Francis Newnam: Aren’t the rest of our etiquette question askers excited that we’re about to turn to them?
Jessica Williams: Congratulations. Congratulations.
The Supper Snob
Brendan Francis Newnam: Michael, are you ready for some help?
Rico Gagliano: Yes.
Michael: All right. I go out to dinner with a good friend regularly, but he never seems to have anything good to say about his meal. Out with a group, we’ll all decide that the food is very good, but he will act like he’s been presented with a bowl of inedible slop. This tends to bring down everybody at the table. He’s generally good company, though, so I don’t want to cut him out of these gatherings. How do I politely tell him to keep his mouth shut and enjoy his food?
Jessica Williams: How is he good company? Like, how? That is the most annoying thing I’ve ever heard. What are his good features, really?
Michael: Well, I mean, basically, up until that point, he’s really good company. He’s really funny and…
Rico Gagliano: But when the food arrives, it’s all downhill.
Brendan Francis Newnam: He just starts to complain when the food arrives.
Dick Cavett: That’s when the bitching starts.
Brendan Francis Newnam: Dick, what do you think? You know.
Dick Cavett: It strikes me — for instance, I was at the dentist the other day — that you might get a bunch of that fabulous, rubbery wax that they…
Rico Gagliano: They use to put the dentures in?
Dick Cavett: Like that, and it hardens almost instantly, you have to…real fast.
Brendan Francis Newnam: Oh, they take a mold of your teeth, yeah.
Dick Cavett: Mix this in with the mashed potatoes. I think you can see where we’re going with…
Brendan Francis Newnam: Yeah, no, I think this is a good strategy. Are you listening, Michael? You weren’t paying attention.
Jessica Williams: Cement his mouth, man.
Rico Gagliano: Yeah. He’s going to use the dental molding clay.
Brendan Francis Newnam: Blend it with the mashed potatoes.
Rico Gagliano: To weld his mouth shut.
Brendan Francis Newnam: And then his mouth will be shut, yeah.
Michael: Do you know a good dentist?
Dick Cavett: I got his card.
Brendan Francis Newnam: All right, there you go, Michael. That’s your advice.
Rico Gagliano: Hopefully, one that’s covered on your health plan.
Jessica Williams: Good luck.
Protecting your personal pregnancy space
Brendan Francis Newnam: Our next question comes from Dylan.
Rico Gagliano: Dylan, who’s a lady.
Dick Cavett: We’re bringing so much happiness here.
Rico Gagliano: It’s really true.
Brendan Francis Newnam: We’re bringing joy to people’s lives.
Rico Gagliano: It’s why we do the show.
Dylan: So, I’m pregnant.
Jessica Williams: Aw, congrats.
Dylan: Thank you.
Jessica Williams: I just want to reach across and touch your stomach without permission.
Dylan: Oh, my God!
Rico Gagliano: Uh-oh.
Dylan: So, strangers seem to frequently seem to think that my belly is free parking for their hands. How do you suggest that I handle these situations?
Rico Gagliano: What?
Jessica Williams: That was weird, right?
Dylan: You’ve got the same instinct, apparently.
Jessica Williams: I just wanted to just grab it. Well, I feel like it’s similar to my hair. And I think when people do that, I let them if they’re already in the — it’s all about that motion. So, if they’re already 75 percent of the way there, just let them finish, and then flick them away.
But if they ask, “Can I touch your belly?” you say, “No, because this is, like, a child I’m making. Like, my body is working.”
Rico Gagliano: Yeah. Don’t disturb it.
Jessica Williams: You’re doing a crazy thing right now. People shouldn’t just be grabbing your baby all willy-nilly. Especially in this city. This is the dirtiest city ever.
Brendan Francis Newnam: Yeah, that’s true.
Jessica Williams: So, don’t let a maniac like me touch your belly.
Brendan Francis Newnam: All right. Stay away. Stay away.
Rico Gagliano: Swat Jessica’s hand away.
Brendan Francis Newnam: Get away quickly.
Inter-office ghosting: can it be done?
Rico Gagliano: All right. We’ve got Michelle… is up next.
Michelle: I share an office with a co-worker who is fine to work with but is extremely competitive when it comes to things outside the office. I go to the gym, so she goes out of her way to tell me when she goes to the gym. She asks me what I made for lunch, then tells me about the incredible meal she made for dinner.
Most recently, I ended a relationship, and right after asking me how I was doing, she proceeded to tell me about a bad breakup she went through in college and lost five pounds because of it. I’m not a competitive person, but this is getting annoying, and I’d like her to stop. What should I do?
Rico Gagliano: Wow.
Dick Cavett: Well, I know what you should do. Do you live in a licensed carry area?
Brendan Francis Newnam: There you go.
Rico Gagliano: There are certain states where this is an easy problem to finish off.
Brendan Francis Newnam: I mean, Jess, can you top that?
Jessica Williams: I mean, she’s got to ghost this girl. You’ve got to ghost this girl. There’s no way she’s ever going to be happy for you. Don’t waste your time with her.
Michelle: She’s a co-worker, though.
Jessica Williams: She’s a co-worker?
Michelle: Yeah, I share an office with her.
Jessica Williams: Oh, you could easily ghost her. Well, I feel like you can co-worker ghost somebody better than, like, a friend ghost.
Brendan Francis Newnam: But you have to run into them all… like, how’s that…
Jessica Williams: Can you shut down on her emotionally the way we would with our parents if they pried into our lives?
Michelle: I suppose. I’ll have to try that.
Rico Gagliano: Perfect.
Brendan Francis Newnam: Problem solved.
Rico Gagliano: Go to sleep, and then she’ll go to sleep forever.
Brendan Francis Newnam: So, I think we solved your problem, and the police will be coming for Dick Cavett.
Dick Cavett: That’s good, too.
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